“One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say.”
Bryant H. McGill
It is annoying to talk to someone who won’t listen. Most people don’t realize they are not good listeners. By learning to listen, we can get better as a leader, friend, parent, spouse, and a human being. What is listening? Is listening a skill that can be learnt like reading or writing?
Hearing is not listening
Listening is more than hearing. Shane Parrish writes,
“We assume that, as long as we can hear someone and understand their words that we are listening. Hearing alone, however, is not enough. Among other things, we need to comprehend what’s being said and why, reflect on intentions, and consider non-verbal communication.”
Steven Covey, in his book “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” argues that there are five levels of listening:
- Ignoring
- Pretending to listen
- Selective listening
- Active listening
- Empathetic listening
Most of us fall into one of the first three levels. Our goal should be to be an active listener if not an empathetic listener.
Active Listening
If hearing is not listening, what is listening then? Listening is hearing to understand. Active listening is focusing on the speaker, understanding their message, comprehending the information, and responding thoughtfully.
Bob Sullivan writes about peak listening in “The Plateau Effect: Getting from Stuck to Success”
Most people listen with intent to do something – usually to defend themselves, or to solve a problem. Nearly everyone listens with the intent of having something ready to say as soon as the speaker is finished. Instead, we should listen with intent to agree. That’s right: Before you offer an explanation or defense, just imagine that whatever the other person is saying must be true. That’s radical. But it sure is the fastest way to get new ideas into your brain.
Rather than defend yourself by finding error in some details, challenge yourself to find the deeper truth of what’s being said. It will definitely require you to drop all your defenses, and in some cases, it will feel like you are being forced to believe that black is white and the sky is orange.
Ever wonder what keeps a great improv troupe from falling silent? It’s simple. No one is allowed to say no. Whatever is said, the other actors are forced to accept it and build upon it. Applying “yes, and…” technique used in Improv can help us take a step in the right direction. This conversational style pays immediate dividends. Instead of creating blocks, or, “stops” to the chatter, it allows group discussions to build on each other.
If we listen with an intent to agree, we will understand the message, we will then be able to comprehend the message and paraphrase it in our own words and respond thoughtfully to the speaker.
We succeed in listening if we can make a five-year-old understand another person’s message.
Techniques to Improve Active Listening
Active listening involves both verbal and non-verbal techniques. As part of their career development program, indeed.com recommends the following techniques to learn active listening
Verbal Techniques
- Use short verbal affirmations – Short, positive statements will help the speaker feel more comfortable and show you’re engaged and able to process the information they’re providing. Small verbal affirmations help you continue the conversation without interrupting the speaker or disrupting their flow.
- Avoid Interruption – Wait for the speaker to finish. Give a few seconds break to think before responding.
- Paraphrase – Summarize the main point(s) of the message the speaker shared to show you fully understand their meaning. This will also give the speaker an opportunity to clarify vague information or expand their message.
- Ask open-ended questions – Ask questions that show you’ve gathered the essence of what they’ve shared, and guide them into sharing additional information.
- Ask specific probing questions – Ask direct questions that guide the reader to provide more details about the information they’ve shared or narrow down a broad subject or topic.
Non-verbal techniques
- Nod – Offering the speaker a few simple nods shows you understand what they’re saying. A nod is a helpful, supportive cue, and doesn’t necessarily communicate that you agree with the speaker—only that you’re able to process the meaning of their message.
- Smile – Like a nod, a small smile encourages a speaker to continue. However, unlike a nod, it communicates you agree with their message or you’re happy about what they have to say. A smile can take the place of a short verbal affirmation in helping to diffuse any tension and ensure the speaker feels comfortable.
- Avoid distracting movements – Being still can communicate focus. To do this, try and avoid movements like glancing at your watch or phone, audibly sighing, doodling, or tapping a pen. You should also avoid exchanging verbal or non-verbal communications with others listening to the speaker. This can make the speaker feel frustrated and uncomfortable.
- Maintain eye contact – Always keep your eyes on the speaker and avoid looking at other people or objects in the room. Just be sure to keep your gaze natural, using nods and smiles to ensure you’re encouraging them rather than making the speaker feel intimidated or uneasy.
“Listening is being able to be changed by the other person.”
– Alan Alda
We can vastly improve our relationships and knowledge by listening. Listening is a skill we can and should learn like reading, writing, and speaking. I hope these simple techniques help you learn this valuable skill.