Being an Authoritative Parent

In the book The Self Driven Child, the authors describe three styles of parenting.

• Autocratic parents place a premium on Obedience.
• Permissive parents emphasize the importance of their child’s happiness and attempt to fulfill their child’s desires to make them happy.
• Authoritative parents are supportive, but not controlling. They want their kids to cooperate because they like and respect them and want kids to learn from their own experiences. It emphasizes self-direction and values maturity over obedience.

Authoritative parenting is sending the message that “I am going to do everything I can to help them be successful, but I’m not going to try to force you to do things because I say so”

When asked, most of us will choose the “Authoritative” style of parenting. But we are either Autocratic or Permissive depending on the situation. We force our kids to do things our way. We want them to follow our rules instead of giving them the freedom to fail and learn for them.

The authors write, a healthy sense of control is related to virtually everything we want for our children, including physical and mental health, academic success, and happiness. Without a healthy sense of control, kids feel powerless and overwhelmed and will often become passive or resigned. When they are denied the ability to make meaningful choices, they are at high risk of becoming anxious, struggling to manage anger, becoming self-destructive, or self-medicating.

We should say “It’s your call” as often as possible.

How can we become an Authoritative parent?

• Provide them with a safe base at home – For children who are stressed at school or in other parts of their lives, the home should be a safe haven, a place to rest and recover.
• Love your kids unconditionally – Teachers can teach, coaches can coach, guidance counselors can outline graduation requirements, but there’s one thing only parents can do: love their kids unconditionally. When kids feel that they are deeply loved even when they’re struggling, it builds resilience.
• Consult, don’t force. Let them decide for themselves. Instead of nagging, arguing, and constant reminding, tell yourself “I love you too much to fight with you”